And Then There Were None
by The Soul Cake Duck
Summary: Yugi and his friends are invited to a mysterious island and one by one fall prey to murder, only the dead are above suspicion. Malik-centric. Crack, lots and lots of crack. Crossover with Agatha Christie's classic work. Revised.
1. Chapter 1

And Then There Were None  
by Kalevala

Disclaimer: I do not own "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie or "Yu-Gi-Oh"

Warning: Character death. Mild obscenity. Severe insanity.

Summary:

Yugi and his friends are invited out to an isolated island. One by one they are claimed by murder and only the dead are beyond suspicion.

* * *

"Seto." The deep Voice purred. "You will buy it."

"Yes, I will." Seto said in a distant voice, a glazed look in his eyes.

"Then" The Voice continued. "You will make these changes to documents 246 through documents 248."

"Yes, I will." Seto said. His voice sounding hollow as though coming from the bottom of a deep well. A fine sheen of sweat forming on his brow.

"I will say the word." The Voice said. "Then you will awake and carry out your tasks."

"Yes, carry out my tasks" Replied Seto in a vacant tone.

"Awake" The Voice said.

The owner of The Voice vanished from Seto Kaiba's office. Seto blinked sharply and rose to his feet, wiping the cold sweat from his brow with the back of his still shaking hand.  
'I must have fallen asleep.' He thought.

* * *

(the next day)

Yugi and his friends were on Seto Kaiba's private Yacht heading for Dokkasou Island. Yugi had received a mysterious invitation that invited him and all his friends for a Grand Prize vacation on Dakkasou Island. They mysterious part was that Yugi did not remember entering any contest. Yugi had asked Bakura and Malik if their Yami's had entered him as a joke. Neither of them would admit to such a prank.

At that moment Yugi was sitting on the deck discussing the situation with Yami. Sea spray flashed over the bow and stung his eyes. The wind was whipping his tri-coloured hair into a rainbow hued frenzy and the motion of the boat did not settle his nerves but unsettled his stomach.

"Yami, What do you think about this whole situation?" Said Yugi.

"I do not know Yugi. I guess we will have to wait and see but,I sense a Darkness behind the light" Yami chuckled to himself. The boat hit a wave and Yugi let out a small groan.

* * *

Below the deck in a sitting room Duke, Shizuka, Mai, Jonouichi, Honda and Anzu were talking excitedly about the trip.

"Well it will be nice to finally have a vacation." Said Mai.

"For once we are in complete agreement, Mai." Said Anzu.

"Did you see Yugi's face?" laughed Duke.

"He looked a little green in the face. I don't think he is a natural sailor." Said Honda nodding his head in sympathy.

"Seasicknes is NOT funny Duke." Said Shizuka, looking a shade green herself.

"I just hope they have plenty of food on the island." said Jonouichi. At the thought of food Shizuka turned a deeper shade of green.

* * *

Ryou and Malik were sitting on deck watching Yugi turn green. Each of them had a bet on how soon he would have to barf over the railing.  
"So, how do you feel about this trip Malik?" Asked Ryou.

"I do not know what to think, my friend. But, my Gravekeeper instincts tell me to be wary."

* * *

End Chapter.

So how was that for a first chapter? R&R!


	2. Chapter 2

And Then There Were None  
Chapter 2

Thank You to my reviewers. MarikluverKaibasgurl & Yami and Bakura

* * *

The feckless travelers hopped ashore from Seto's luxuriously appointed yacht to... a big rock.  
"Great beginning." Said Mai looking contemptuously at the All-Purpose-ROCK.

"Land!" shouted Yugi and Shizuka at the same time as they fell to their knees.  
As Yugi looked up from his revered Rock he saw a tall dapper man staring down at them from the path that appeared to start back towards a large modern Spanish Inquisition type house. 'No one expects Spanish Inquisition' thought Yugi as he gazed at the large expensive architectural mistake.

'Yes, the man is wearing a bowler hat' thought Yugi vaguely. As the man and his bowler hat descended with purpose upon the group. Yugi looked down at the shiny patent leather shoes. 'No one expects patent leather' thought Yugi as the man began to speak.

"My name is Lumis, Sirs and Mesdames. With your kind permission, Sirs and Mesdames, let us proceed to the house." They all headed up the path with Lumis as there seemed nothing better to do.

"Don't you think the house is exquisite?" Lumis chattered on to no one in particular. "A very rare architectural style, don't you know. Built by Huns they say."

"That explains a lot." Interjected Malik.

"Rather a bother when there is a storm though, the generator is a bit touchy, you know."

In spite of Lumis' constant dissemination of useless information delivered in a British accent as crisp as his starched white shirt they finally made it to the house.

Yugi noticed that the house did not become any more appealing the closer one got. A short, slightly rumpled, fat man met them at what appeared to be the front door.  
"Ah Umbra, that's where you have gotten too." Exclaimed Lumis. "Let me introduce you to my esteemed colleague, Umbra."

Umbra looked like a large unmade bed when standing next to the tall thin immaculate Lumis. Umbra seemed a bit nervous. Yugi noticed him twirling his tie with his pudgy fingers. First one way, then the other.

"Welcome to Totosai House. The only Spanish Inquisition style house, built by Huns in the known world." Umbra seemed to gain confidence in this astounding fact. "Your host, the honorable Mr. U.N. Owen, has unfortunately been delayed and will not be joining you this evening..."

"So you mean our host is not even here?" Blurted Ryou.

"No Sir, he will be returning tomorrow and has asked Lumis and myself to offer his apologies and get you settled in." Umbra consulted his watch. Lumis consulted his shiny shoes, both men cleared their throats nervously. "Uh..We must be returning to the mainland before nightfall." Stuttered Umbra, as though this explained everything.

"Ladies please follow Lumis and he will show you your rooms, Gentlemen please follow me." With this little unenlightening speech Umbra waddled away from the group leaving Yugi and his friends no choice but to follow.

* * *

End Chapter

Hope you liked it! ;) R&R!


	3. Chapter 3

And Then There Were None  
Chapter 3

thanks to my reviewer xXxkIkOkEnxXx

* * *

Malik looked around the strangely shaped room Umbra had assigned him. His eyes lit upon a white marble clock shaped like a pyramid. 'Pyramid.' Thought Malik. 'Pyramid! Spanish Inquisition Pyramid? Could this get any better?' he wondered with a slight giggle. 'A white marble pyramid clock ... by the Gods, what would the Huns think of next?' As if in answer to his unspoken question he noticed a piece of parchment in a hideously modern chrome frame. 'Ah, of course some Spanish inspired verse written by Huns, perhaps an Ode to Attila.' Malik laughed out loud.  
Malik looked closer. The parchment was covered with a spidery, hard to read scrawl. The letters were crowded together so closely he could just make it out.

_"Ten little Egyptians going out to dine.  
One choked himself then there were nine.  
Nine little Egyptians stayed up very late.  
One over slept then there were eight.  
Eight little Egyptians up till eleven  
One decides to leave then there were seven.  
Seven little Egyptians chopping up sticks  
One cut himself then there were six.  
Six little Egyptians playing with a hive  
A bee stung one and then there were five.  
Five little Egyptians playing at the shore  
One slips and falls then there were four.  
Four little Egyptians going out to sea  
A fish ate one then there were three.  
Three little Egyptians going on a trip  
A pyramid hit one then there were two.  
Two little Egyptians tired of the fun  
One hung himself then there was one.  
One little Egyptian sitting in the sun  
He blew away then there were none."_

Malik read this slowly to himself. 'A poem about... Egyptian genocide?' Not a very uplifting work he decided. There was a vaguely familiar ring to the poem. Like something he had read somewhere or perhaps something his Yami would say and then laugh like hell. As he thought about the psychotic laughter of his Yami he could feel one of his sick headaches coming on. He touched his hand briefly to his platinum locks and resolutely headed for the living room to rejoin his companions.

* * *

Yugi and Joey were sitting comfortable by the window dueling. Malik could tell by Joey's scowling continence that he was losing spectacularly. Duke, Honda and Yami watched. Malik wandered over to talk to Ryou. Ryou was sitting in a decidedly un-spainsh leather wing chair.

"So is your room as...hmmm... 'uniquely' appointed as mine seems to be Ryou?"

"Ha!" snorted Ryou. "They have finally started designing houses with your personality in mind."

"Is there any interesting Hunnish literature in your room?" asked Malik overlooking Ryou's uncharitable statement.

"I did not notice." said Ryou rather absently. Malik noticed that the millennium ring hanging from Ryou's neck was glowing slightly. 'Ah, He is talking to Bakura as well.' Malik thought. A chill ran up Malik's spine as his yami answered '/yes, he is, hikari-pretty./'

'/what are you doing here /' Malik asked mentally, making no effort to hide the venom in his voice.

'/but hikari-pretty I live here, in your mind./' Yami no Malik answered as if he was talking about the weather.

'/No, you can't, I banished you myself /' Malik retorted fear and alarm present in his tone.

'/you may have banished me once,hikari-pretty,but remember this, I am part of you so no matter how many times you banish me I will always come back/' Yami no Malik said as he faded back into Malik's mind. Malik just sat thinking over the conversation, His complexion going from Egyptian-Tan to Linen-White.

* * *

Heh Heh Heh, yes, I am leaving a cliffy!

What do you think so far? Read&Revew !


	4. Chapter 4

And Then There Were None  
Chapter 4

a big Thank You to all my reviewers.

* * *

Malik regained his composure. He might have been imagining the conversation. He felt the pressure of Yami Malik's dark voice on his sensitive ear drums... but that made no sense because it was inside his head. Like the voice of God coming to him on an old beat up am radio station, in Spanish... with loud commercials for Mexican beer. (cheapest of beers) la la la la la la.. the damn Mexican Hatdance... da dum da dum..da dum dum dum da dump. That alone could prove fatal. 'Oh God. No.' he thought he saw the eyes.. THE EYES... staring at him... which eyes... OH GOD, that little tacobell dog... staring and staring... the horror.

A cold shiver ran down his spine and snapped him back to the present. He started fervently praying to Ra that the Chihuahua would leave him alone and that he had been imagining his conversation with Yami Malik. He made a mental note to avoid cheap Mexican beer and tequila for the future. Did the Pharaoh notice his pallor?

Duke suggested. "Let's have something to drink."  
No one objected to that suggestion.  
Ryou and Duke ran off to rustle up some nonalcoholic beverages, since you can't find the heart of the cards when you are drunk.

They came back with a tray of boring nonalcoholic drinks... ten iced glasses clinked beguilingly as they sauntered to the center of the group. Each one chose a drink.

Mai took a sip of her drink... gulp... she fell to the floor choking and gasping, her face turning purple, lips blue... her eyes widened as she clutched her throat. Her feet kicked in shallow convulsive little spasms. Then, she was still.

The room was frozen for what seemed to be an eternity but really clocked as seconds. Everyone's mouth hung open.

Then Mai jumped to her feet and screamed..."PSYCH!" She collapsed again with laughter while a collective gasp escaped the stunned group.

"You really thought I was dead... killed MYS-TER-IOUSLY, like a scene from some second rate Agatha Christie novel we were forced to read in school. Ha ha." A strange look crossed her face. "WAIT, you weren't going to help me, were you!"

They never got the chance to answer her for as she was winding up for a tirade there was a soft gurgling from the corner. Their eyes were drawn to Honda's gently convulsing body and the curious white foam that was forming on his lips.

"FAKER!" screamed Joey.  
"Just ignore him, he is just doing this for attention." Said Mai. "Honda, You faker, we are just going to ignore your ass until you stop acting so stupid."

"He does appear to be turning purple." Said Ryou helpfully.  
"He is faking it, just ignore him." Insisted Mai who did not like it much that her thunder was being stolen by Honda. "He will get bored with it after a while."

So everyone went back to what they were doing.

After about ten minutes Malik went to check on Honda. His conscience was nagging him and his recent yami/taco bell dog experience had left him a bit shaken. Malik knelt by Honda... hmm he was still an amazing color of purple for a faker... and it was amazing to Malik that Honda could hold his breath for such a long period of time... Honda's heart did not seem to be beating either...it all added up to... something.

'Hmmm' Malik thought. ' Too much Mexican beer... I am shaken and he is not stirring."  
"OH MY GOD... He is DEAD!" Malik had everyone's attention instantly.

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I hope you like this chapter. If you do Read and Review.


	5. Chapter 5

And Then There Wore None

* * *

Everything happened at once as Honda's death registered. ' That's always the problem.' thought Malik grumpily to himself. ' Things either happen too slowly or too fastly... hmm I wonder if "fastly" is a word?'

"Tell me he is not really dead." breathed Anzu. "What about our friendship? Death is going to really really slow down our relationship. Oh My God!" She turned a lighter shade of pale and slipped quietly into a dead faint on top of Yugi.

Yugi yelped with pain as the full force of Anzu's unconscious form began to crush him.

"This man is dead!" stated Mai. It was stating the obvious but something had to be said.

Malik examined the cup that was still clutched in Honda's rapidly cooling hand. Malik poked his finger tentatively into the dregs of the cup and touched it to the tip of his tongue...then looked contemplative.

"What are you doing?" asked Duke. "A man is dead here. DEAD!"

Malik stared down at Honda.  
"I think he has been poisoned."

"Oh my God, How? Why?" asked Duke dramatically.

Malik continued to look passively down at Honda lost in a memory of his time in the Egyptian House of Life where the Pharaohs came to die and achieve eternal life. He remembered the small child who had been brought to him looking much like Honda did now... the child had died from ingesting White Cyanide.

"White Cyanide" Malik said blankly.

"What? How do you know that?" asked Yami.

"Because he killed him." said Joey suspiciously." Hmmf"

Malik popped back to the present. "No" said Malik sadly. "I remember a death like this from long ago." Malik fell silent. The past weighed heavily on him. He preferred the Taco Bell Dog hallucination to the crushing weight of past sorrows.

Darkness had fallen. They were all tired. Duke directed the removal of Honda's mortal remains to his former room.

No one seemed remember Anzu and her motor-powered mouth, now idling in a silent swoon. Yugi wriggled out from under her, came to the conclusion she was better off unconscious and swished off to bed. Others were of the same opinion.

They all went to bed.

Anzu woke up where she had fallen. The quiet of the room was TOO quiet... she sensed instinctively that something was wrong... but what? Slowly, the horrible certainty grew inside her... she was NOT alone.

Anzu was cold and scared. Too afraid to move. She could hear it now... muffled footsteps behind her... or could she? 'Oh My God, Oh My God... No...how could they leave me here alone?'

"Is anyone there?" warbled Anzu. "Can you..."

THUMP. The first blow caught her in the head. Stunning her. She saw a glint of moonlight on metal. THUMP the second blow caught her with frightening precision in the exact center of her forehead. The world shrank to a small speck of light at the end of a long dark tunnel... another meaty THUMP landed and the small speck of light went out.

The next morning Malik awoke early after a night laden with dreams of Ancient Egypt. He was encompassed in a growing sense of futility and leaden with sadness. He was trying to find a reason to get out of bed when he heard a loud sharp scream.

* * *

end chapter  
heh heh heh well how did you like that?

and for all those who have only seen the English dub version or have not read the manga: anzu and tea are the same character although most of you already know that i thought i should include it for my readers who have only seen the English dubbing


	6. Chapter 6

And Then There Were None

* * *

The owner of the Voice was once again sitting in Seto Kaiba's office, dark shadows surrounding the person sitting in one of the overly expensive chairs in front of his desk

"Is everything prepared?"

"Yes." Seto answered, he seemed to again be in a daze.

"Good, now push the button."

Seto reached under his desk and pressed down on a hidden button, there was a 'BEEP' sound and then nothing

"When I say the word you will awake….AWAKE"

The owner of the voice once again vanished from his office

* * *

Malik and the others were having breakfast when they heard a strange rushing sound, and then they heard a sound like an impact and were thrown to the floor.

Then they heard and felt nothing, all they saw was a bright white light…

* * *

The owner of the voice was at a local buckstars (hehe) watching the news...

"Today on an island just off the coast there was an accidental missile fire from the Fort Youswell testing facility, no one I sure how the missile was deployed and the guards on duty only remember a feeling of blankness before the detonation, likely the island was the uninhabited Dokkasou island, which, although the way to the island was navigable, the first owner of the island built such an incredibly ugly house on it, after he died no one would live there. Now switching over to our weather forecast…"

The owner of the voice turned towards the window, smiling, and was revealed to be …..

Agatha Christie, come back from the dead to punish all those who lampoon or make fan fiction of her novels, plays, and short stories. She let out a small chuckle

"Those bastards will never mess with my original novels, plays, and short stories again."

* * *

The End!

Did you see this coming? (No, I hope not)

I hope you enjoyed my little story, I enjoyed writing it, my mews, Black 'roadkill kitty' Hayate, enjoyed telling me it was awful and that I should just go back to wherever I came from.

Please read and review.


End file.
